Fun Friday: Treehouse of Horrors EDC Kit

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The town of Springfield can be a particularly rough hood, especially around October 31st, and even a week or two after on occasion. Although Police Chief Wiggum and his posse are arduously patrolling every dimly-lit street (except for the one the Kwik-E-Mart is on for some reason), there never seems to be a single cop surveilling the heavens. This unfortunate security fault allows for a near-annual attack from a certain duo of extra-terrestrials that seem to be obsessed with taking over the land of eternal tire fires and headless statues. If you’re like me you maintain a healthy fear of waking up animated and being face to face with one or both of these drooling beasts. This is why you should keep these five items handy or at least learn how to draw them, really fast.

Homer’s revolver “attachment”

While fans argue which state “Springfield” is in, I sometimes wonder if it is even anywhere in America at all. I mean, it took Homer nine seasons plus six episodes to get his first gun. Most concerned Americans would have bought a gun at the hint of the first alien invasion, let alone eight consecutive ones. At the gun counter, the friendly salesman sold him a revolver and recommended several accessories, including a handy device to shoot down helicopters. Being the proactive thinker that I am, it would behoove me to consider nipping the problem in the bud and taking out that familiar spacecraft the second it enters the atmosphere. There’s just the problem of falling “debris,” so I’ll be sure to wait until it’s over Shelbyville.

Moe’s double-barrel pump-action shotgun

Back in 2015 the average Joe was just drooling over Standard Manufacturing’s DP-12. To them, it was “unique” and “revolutionary.” Ha! In fact, Moe had been keeping a double-barrel pump-action under the bar long before Barney’s first DUI. To this day I still haven’t figured out how to load and unload this beast, but I know that if you pull both triggers at the same time you effectively have a six-gauge. The math is simple: two aliens + two barrels. If you’re a lousy shot just pump the forend for two more shots! While Moe can’t seem to find love with a firearm like this, I bet he has no trouble finding his way out of alien invasions.

Sideshow Mel’s bone

Sometimes blunt force is the simplest answer. Make no bones about it, getting whacked with a solid mass of calcium is no joke. While mild-mannered Mel provides a poetic balance to Krusty’s broken Yiddish, he’s always ready to open a Duff-branded can of whoop. That humorous humerus can be at the ready if the proper situation arises. Just one blow to the protective glass dome of Kang or Kodos, and they will be forced to scramble back to Rigel VII. Drink your milk, kids!

Itchy’s chainsaw

Despite being as rusty as the soundboard cares to make it, Itchy’s chainsaw is still quite formidable. It is small enough to be wielded by a mouse, yet it still has no trouble laying waste to a certain cat on more occasions than one. (Of course, even after 108 attempts, said cat still walks among us.) That said, it’s hard to dismiss the reliability of this machine. This chainsaw has been running for more than 30 years and always seems to start on the first pull. All of this without ever needing to be sharpened and without a single drop of fuel. So not only will it prove effective on space aliens, but it’s an entirely “green” solution as well. After making stew meat out of those salivating monsters you can pat yourself on the back for saving the planet in more ways than one.

McBain

Hey, there are no rules in the cartoon realm, so why not just keep Rainier Wolfcastle’s critically acclaimed character, McBain, neatly folded in your pocket? If he packs even half of the firepower he had in his 1992 film You Have the Right to Remain Dead, he’s gonna send those slimy buggers packin’ in no time. Don’t care for that character much? No problem. It doesn’t have to be McBain, you can sketch out any of the characters he’s played from films such as I Shoot Your Face or I Shoot Your Face Again as they’re all basically the same flick with a marginally different protagonist. Either way, you are in for infinite ammunition and unlimited action. I guess being typecast just might be an advantage in an alien apocalypse.

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